[barrymichele]

I am a widower of one year, have met a wonderful widow with 13y/o son, been dating for 6 months, could very well ask her to marry me in future. I have a 14y/o daughter who has difficulties with my dating and may possibly have difficulties remarrying any woman.

Looking for suggetions on how to approach my daughter.

[Etiquette Now]

Dear Concerned Father,

As with many things, take small baby steps forward. The more your daughter is exposed to your lady, in small doses, the easier it will be for her to see herself in your new life. Planning family activities is a wonderful if it focuses on something your daughter enjoys doing. Trips to the zoo and miniture golf are examples of activities that can be fun while your daughter gets to know your lady.

But, the best thing is to keep that dialogue open. It is only fair that your daughter learns to accept that we are all people and we all have feelings and needs. Honesty is best.

Best wishes,

[emily4families]

Good for you to be so proactive and concerned. You're already way ahead of the game.

The biggest issue in the scenario you've given is the closeness in age of the two children, of different genders. Have they spent any time together? How do they relate?

In terms of her feelings about you dating, the best thing you can do is listen, and truly "get" her on how she feels. She needs you to understand -- more than to take care of or to act on her feelings. Loss is painful and hard at any stage in life. Helping her learn how to deal with disappointments, hurts, and frustration will do wonders for her as she goes through her teenage years.

I lost my mother when I was 14 and my father remarried when I was 15. I did not want a stepmother and did not want my father to remarry -- and I am so grateful that he did.

One concern she may have is that her mother will be forgotten and dishonored in someway. If your lady friend is open to keeping your departed wife's memory alive and honored, that will go a long way toward creating a bridge between them.

I wish you well.

[barrymichele]

My son is 10 and loves my girl friend. No problems with him. I have been taking my daughters feelings into consideration when I want to be with my girlfriend. They have meet and spent time alone over a dinner for some girl talk which has helped.

My girlfriend and I are now at a point in our relationship where we have both told each other that we love the other and want to begin to expand our relationship, perhaps towards marriage inthe not too distant future. I want to try, but realize I may not succeed, to "soften the blow" so to speak to my daughter if we to marry and avoid or minimize the experieince you had concerning your dad a a step mom.

My daughter and I did have a good avenue of communications prior to my wife's death, but she has shut me out a bit siince I've been dating. I am working at keeping and expanding that communications, but not to the breaking point of losing her. However, I have told hr that someday, I will re-marry, because that is the type of person I am. I only lived by myself for one year before I married my wife of 20 years. I need the companionship of a woman. I can only do my bestto minimize my daughters pain.



Thanks

[the_admin]

Some words from me as a widowed mother myself:

I have been widowed over 16 years now, my kids were just babies and don't remember their father so the growing up portion of my story won't exactly relate but the "ending" of my story might give you some insight into the future. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man. My daughter was 15 when I first started dating this man and was "not so sure" she liked me dating anyone. Both kids now, as they get older, come to realize that it is a blessing for me to have found someone whith whom I can spend the rest of my life since they are growing independant of me (sigh) now. Perhaps, in time, your daughter will also see that she wants to have her own life and she'll rest comfortably knowing that you have someone there for you as they begin to have lives of their own. Many children of widowed people (my mother died when I was 15 too and I always felt the need to care for my dad and provide him with entertainment) almost feel responsible for the care and companionship of their parent and having this woman in your life might relieve them of this feeling of being responsible. It's also sometimes a relief for the children to have a feeling of being a "normal" family again.

Let them know their mother is not being "replaced" but that a new position within the family is now being designated. You can never have too many people to love.

[barrymichele]

You've mentioned about a child "caring for the parent" (me) in place of my wife. I have noticed my daughter taking on responsibility of caring for my 10 y/o son in place of "mommy" and have tried to tell her that she doesn't need to "mother" her brother. I have tried to be patient with her in this regard.

My daughter is going thru the "boy craze" and I am trying to relate to her by comparing her "feelings" for her new boy-friends and my feelings towards my girl friend. She and I have indicated our "Love" for each other and wish to move our relationship forward. I don't want to alienate myu daughter but will move on with my girl friend. I don't want to let my daughter feel she can control me by acting inappropriately in fried of my girl friend and family. I think my daughter is mature enough at 14 try to understand.

Its going to be a long road.



Thanks

[the_admin]

The road may be long but at least you're on the right road and sounds like you've got a map too!

I had this same issue with my older son and younger daughter where he tried to "father" his sister. I alswways let him know, in a caring and gentle manner, that I was the parent and he could be helpful as an older brother. Then, I'd try to give him examples of how he could be a brother rather than parent. Heck, he even tried it with me and, although he's in college now, he still sometimes acts more like a peer than a son. I still remind him it's not appropriate and we have a good laugh about it.

I think the key here is to undertand what's happening and it sounds like you do.

[barrymichele]

MY girl friend has invited me and my kids to spend time with her and her son for a vacation in FLA. I anticipate my daughter not wanting to go. I am going to tell her that she hs two choices (jokingly) to go and to go. I believe that my relationship with my girl friend is at the point of taking this trip.

The trip is for the end of July, so I am thinking that over the next months, my daughter will not be so against going. We will be staying in my girl friends sisters home with 4 bedrooms, enough so that no one is uncomfortable and my girl friend and I will be in separate rooms.

I'm hoping that the trip will be beneficial for my daughter. She is 14, my son 10 and her son 13.

I have reminded my daughter that I can't and never will forget her mother. I'm reminded everyday of her mother, through my daughters eys and actions. My girl friend and I talk about our respective spouses, her husband died years ago. We've agreed to NOT put them on the back burner....

[the_admin]

Could your daughter bring a friend? That might make the offer more attractive since the boys have each other to play nintendo and basketball and boy stuff. (Please, women's libber's, don't write to me on that!)

[barrymichele]

Thank you. I didn't think of that. Since our expenses are only for airfare, not accomodations, I think a friend would be great.

[the_admin]

Be prepared for the "Hey, she's bringing friend...why can't I", from the other two...