[mktxlady]

I will try and make this short and sweet...okay, maybe not so sweet.

I am not sure what is my part to handle, what part is normal, or what to do. Here is my situation:

My future husband has 4 kids that live with him full-time. Ages are 14 (girl), 12 (boy), 10 (girl), 8 (boy). I love kids and can't have any of my own so this did not scare me away. All the kids adore me except for the 14 year old girl. She is so rude to me. A couple of months ago, I took her out and spent the day and a lot of money on her not to even get a thank you. My beloved said he talked to her. I still haven't heard nothing.

Yesterday, when her dad and I pulled up to a family gathering, she came over and started talking to her dad and completely ignored my existence. I finially said, "Hi Sally", only to get a "hey" back. After discussing this with my future husband, I got the ole, "I will talk with her".

I told him I wanted a written thank you note and a seperate apology letter from her. Am I asking too much? Part of me knows she is only acting like this cause she is after all a 14 year old girl, part of it I believe is some of her mothers' influence. Taken this all into consideration, I still don't think she should get away with being rude to me.

Talking to him about how upset I am is not an issue. But him following through with things,is an issue sometimes. When we discuss disciplining the kids, we seem to agree, but when action is required he doesn't always following through.

Am I being too harsh or unrealistic? How do I deal with this 14 year old girl? Should I just be patient, we aren't getting married for a while; or will this just get worse? Should I be the one to immedately say something when this behavior occurs?

I really need you advice, cause this very well could be a deal breaker for me. I refuse to volunteer for a life of unhappiness no matter how much I so love this man.

[emily4families]

Here's my short and not so sweet answer to your challenging situation: Respect begets respect.

This 14 year old girl did not choose to have her parents divorce, nor did she choose to have you enter her life. Is this being respected? Her life has basically been imposed on her and she's doing the best she can to deal with it.

Of course rude and disrespectful behaviors need to be addressed -- AND, if you draw a hard and fast line in the sand and demand that she treat you a certain way, you may get the results you are looking for (a written thank you and apology) but you will not get the kind of results that make for lasting peace and harmony in your home.

Your statement at the end is very telling. If you are refusing to volunteer for a life of unhappiness, you may want to consider the life that's been dealt that 14 year old that she didn't want to volunteer for either.

She's had so much imposed on her already, that choosing to add more to that will get you a whole lot more misery. It's her job right now to assert her independence, to be defiant, to explore who she is in the world. And, you are the easiest target. With the right tools and training, you could be a phenomenal catalyst for change and growth for her -- and you may find that some wounds from your teenage years could be healed as well.

There's so much here. I work with couples every day who are struggling with this very scenario. The formula for success that works, EVERY TIME, is to meet her with respect first, seek to understand where she's coming from, and then connect around what is acceptable and what is not.

There are some great resources out there for you to explore. The Life Saver Kit at www.loveandlogic.com is exceptional and will do a world of good for you and your future husband with all his children.

In terms of raising terrific teens, there's no one better than www.mikeriera.com -- his books are terrific!

Also, Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication could be a good book for you to read as well.

You can contact me directly for other resources too.

[mktxlady]

I appreciate the in-sight and will change my whole approach to all of the kids.

I guess my last question would be, do I openly try to discuss this with them or let it be a silent change?

[emily4families]

Wow! Good for you!

I would say make the shift for yourself and just notice what happens. You don't need to announce it or anything. It may not happen overnight, but you will see results if you stick to your new strategy.

I wish you all the best!

[DCAurora]

I thought I was the only one to experience this "I'll take care of it" stuff where the biological parent DOESN'T take care of it after saying they will. Any advice you have will help. My wife doesn't like to make waves, a fact she readily admits to. She spoils her daughter like nothing I have ever seen. That's ok, normally, but this child has gone out of her way to destroy my only two father's days with these two woman. Please don't think I'm insensative to their situation; my wife's late husband pass when my step daughter was only 6. That was more than 8 years ago. I guess I'm just never going to have a father's day. It really hurts my feelings, but that seems to not be nearly as important. Kind of sucks. I think next year I will just leave town for father's day and treat myself to the 'thanks' I deserve.