[bardar]

Hi I am a widowed for 2 years now. I met a wonderful lady shortly after my wife pasted away. A year later we got married. I have a couple of questions in regards to if I am holding on. I keep a picture of my dead wife in my wallet and on occasion like our anniverary and her birthday or the anniversary of her death I take it out in private just as a gentle reminder of us. I never take it out in publc or near anyone. One day my present wife and I were comparing pictures in our wallets she happened to see the picture. Later that week and once a month after that she tells me I am hanging on because I keep her picture. I do not bring it out or anything and that day we were comparing pictures I did not show her she happened to spy it. We live in the house that was from my past marriage and most of the furniture in it is from my past marriage. My wife tells me it is not ours and often gets mad about it telling me we need to buy new furniture and sell the house cause it is not ours. At the present time I can not afford to do this only because I have three kids requiring money for school and my wife is back in school . SO am I holding on or what please help .

[the_admin]

As a widow myself, there are many reasons why someone might hold on to a photo.

There is a country musinc song that's called:

"God Blessed the Broken Road that Led Me to You". Try searching for the lyrics to that song online. It's by Rascal Flatts and has a really interesting message for y'all. []

It's not awful to have good feelings about someone from your past and I do believe it is possible to still love your deceased spouse in many ways and still cherish the relationship with the living, breathing man in my life.

I don't keep photos out now but when my kids were small they liked having the photos of their dad around. But they also understood that their dad was gone and a new man could also be a father to them. My fiance doesn't feel threatened by the photos nor does he doubt my feelings for him just because we might speak of my former husband.

We did go ahead and purchase a home together for a new start but not to remove old memories...to MAKE new memories!

I'd love to hear our expert (Emily) speak on this subject.

[emily4families]

This is a very important discussion and one I encounter often in my practice. Not just around the loss of a spouse to death, but also when a divorce happens and there are children involved.

The past is an essential part of our lives and has brought us to our present moment. Honoring the past in ways that make the heart feel good and connected with lost loved ones is healthy and important. "Hanging on" only becomes dysfunctional when it keeps us from moving forward and causes us to deny our present reality.

I also know about this topic intimately from two very different perspectives.

I was truly blessed to have a stepmother who understood the importance of honoring the past. My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 14. My father remarried soon after and my new stepmother did her best to honor my mother while also becoming an important part of our lives. She looked through photos of my mother with my dad and chose the most recent, flattering one and made high-quality duplicates for each of the children, and put the photo in lovely frames for us.

She also found some old home movies and had them salvaged and put onto videos so each child could have our own copy. She even figured out how to get still shots from the movies that captured our mother playing with us in ways we didn't have in photos before. Brings tears to my eyes to think about it.

Our family is Jewish and every year, during the New Year celebrations, a special prayer is said for deceased loved ones, and there's a special service at the cemetary as well. My stepmother fully supported my father in attending these ceremonies, and accompanied him when he asked her to (and respected his privacy when he wanted to go alone).

I'm a grown woman now, and a stepmother as well. When I moved into my husband's home with his two teenage daugthers, I hated the photos on the wall of his ex-wife and her family. I tolerated them, knowing that the girls absolutely needed them there, and I knew how important it was for them to have those photos around. The problem was that they were in the hallway to our bedroom -- the girls rarely saw them, if at all. Yet, when I suggested that we move them to go on the wall leading upstairs, a place that the girls passed every day, they were furious with me -- for wanting to change what was sacred to to them, from their past and their present. Even though their mother moved out of her own choosing, they still needed her presence in their lives to be honored in their home. And it was not my place to suggest a change.

Enough about my experience.

Trust your own. You share a very respectful and healthy way to honor your past and your love that has not diminished for one wife, even as you have moved on and embraced the love of a new wife.

I do think carving out a place in your home that could feel like hers and yours together would make a lot of sense. I recommend the bedroom as a place to start. Perhaps choosing a new bed together, or redecorating the room, or getting new curtains, or even a new dresser. Something that the two of you do together to claim your new life together. Don't just leave it up to her, as she wants to have a place for "us".

And, you can certainly get closer to your current wife by seeking to understand more fully what happens for HER when she thinks you're hanging on. I encourage you to be curious with her and explore with her what it brings up for her that you still have your first wife's photo in your wallet. My sense is that something's been triggered for her -- some fear or insecurity perhaps. The photo has set off something for her that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you -- and may actually give you two an opportunity to get even closer.

I wish you all the best.