[confusedson]

As brief as I can make it...

My father informed me that he was dating a woman about four months after my mother's death. They were happily married for 37 years and cancer took her life in 5 months.

He informed me that this woman was going through a divorce that would be finalized in three months from that time. Apparently the marriage had been over for some time but required legal finality.

One week after the divorce was finalized, they announced their engagement to be married within the next 3 months or so. As you can imagine, I really don't know this woman, and I have many concerns. I have talked to my father, but he thinks my concerns are mostly due to my grief.

I have no idea what is going on in his head. Help!

[emily4families]

I cannot even imagine what a shock this must be for you. And, your father is making choices and decisions that you really have no say over.

What I can offer you are some strategies to contend with this confusing time, so that you can still have a relationship with your father.

This may be challenging for you, as you have your own emotions and confusion and pain -- which I doubt he will be able to connect to or understand right now, as he's wanting you to be happy for him, and he's choosing to deal with his loss and grief very differently than how you think he should be.

What I recommend is to, as much as you can, meet him where he is and try your best to not make him wrong. Use genuine curiousity to explore with him what this relationship is like for him, and what his hopes are for the future. Questions like "Help me understand ..." and "Tell me more..." and "What's it like for you?" are all ways to seek to understand his perspective and his desires and hopes and dreams.

While you may be clear that he should be doing things differently, the reality is that he's not. I've found with my clients, and in my own life, that there's a wonderful experience that happens when you meet each other in a place where there's no right or wrong. Once a person is truly "gotten" about who they are in that moment, the opening for change, for mutual understanding, and for more connection between the two of you happens effortlessly.

On the other hand, when you make someone wrong and don't understand them, a disconnection starts that can become wider overtime, and harder to bridge.

I hope that helps.